Why Smart, Successful Women Struggle to Find the Love They Want

In this episode, we’ll talk openly about something most women, and men actually, avoid—and that is how dating is changing, and what that means for women, especially, who want a real, long-lasting connection.

This one’s especially for the women watching. Whether you’re in your late 20s or early 40s, whether you’re thriving in your career or still figuring it out—if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship with a man you truly admire, this episode is for you.

What I’m sharing today isn’t based on provocative takes or opinions. I’m trying base my content as much as I can on psychology, behavioral patterns, and what I’ve seen—again and again—in research, in coaching sessions, and in real life.

This episode isn’t about blame. It’s not a battle of women vs men of vice versa. These types of discussions are destructive for our relationships and for society in general as we’ve seen the past decade. This episode is about clarity and awareness.

Because how things play out in your love life, isn’t random. It’s shaped by the stories you believe, the expectations you carry, and how you show up in the dating world. And if those things don’t evolve, they can quietly limit your options—without you even realizing it.

Why Dating Feels So Hard for Successful Women Today

So let’s take a step back and look at the bigger picture. What’s shifting in relationships today, why it matters, and what women need to understand if they want a partner who matches both their ambition and their emotional needs.

Let’s start with the reality: fewer people are dating, fewer people getting into relationships, and fewer people are getting married than ever before. And it’s not just a phase—it’s a global shift.

There are many reasons behind this, and some are complex. But one key factor is something that is often misunderstood: how women choose partners—and how those preferences interact with modern achievement.

Across the board, young women today—especially under 30—are doing incredibly well. In most developed countries, they’re outpacing men in education, career progress, and financial independence. And that’s something to celebrate.

But here’s where things get complicated.

Many women still carry the instinct—or perhaps the expectation—to choose a partner who’s doing as well as they are, or better. In psychology, we call this “assortative mating,” and it’s often tied to security, admiration, and even biology.

The Real Reason High-Achieving Women Struggle to Find Love

So if women are rising—and men in that same age group are struggling to keep up—then by definition, the pool of “suitable” partners starts to shrink.

And that is not about arrogance. It’s about alignment. And when fewer men meet that threshold, it creates friction in dating—especially for women who are excelling and don’t want to compromise. And why should they at the end of the day?

Now here’s the thing. There’s a dynamic that shows up across cultures, and it hasn’t shifted much—despite all the ways gender roles have evolved.

In most cases, women tend to be more selective when it comes to intimacy and sex, while men are often the ones expected to take the first step toward commitment. There’s a fine balance here. So let me break it down in simpler terms. On average, a woman is the one who controls when things are going to become more intimate. But a man is the one who, on average, controls how serious the commitment is going to be. Let it sink for a bit.

And because sex usually happens before commitment in modern dating, the burden of initiating deeper connection often falls on men.

But here’s the twist: even as women grow more independent and empowered—and challenge a lot of traditional norms—most women still wait for that offer.

Whether it’s a first message, a date invitation, or something more serious, many women are still expecting the man to lead.

Why Men Still Make the First Move—and Why That Matters

And you might say that this is not like a big deal, especially if you are in your twenties, because that’s when you get the most attention and your options feel unlimited. But over time, this pattern has consequences. Especially if you’re holding out for someone exceptional. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m saying hear me out to understand the dynamics of dating and then make you choices by having that knowledge in mind.

Now here’s where things start to shift—and where many women are caught off guard.

In your twenties, it can feel like the offers will always be there. That if you just wait long enough, the right one will eventually show up. And that’s not an unreasonable belief—especially when you're thriving, getting attention, and building your life, as you should.

But the reality is, that time changes dynamics.

Around the age of 30, something flips—subtly, but consistently. Men, especially those who’ve been developing themselves emotionally, professionally, and physically, tend to hit their stride. And at the same time, women begin facing more social pressure around partnership, family, and timelines.

That doesn’t mean a woman in her 30s has less value. Far from it. But it does mean the equation changes. The kind of man who’s ready to commit is often looking for something different than he was ten years earlier—and he now has more leverage, more clarity, and more choice.

Women, if the offer you’re waiting for hasn’t come yet, it’s not always because you’re not “enough.” Sometimes, it’s because the terms of that offer are shifting, and no one taught us how to adjust with them.

Age and Attraction: Shifting Dynamics in the Dating Market

Here’s the honest truth: if you don’t adapt to the shifts happening around you—emotionally, socially, even biologically—you might find yourself stuck.

Not because you’re not worthy of love or partnership. But because what you’re waiting for may no longer be aligned with the stage of life you’re in—or with what the men you’re drawn to are now seeking.

And if you’re still holding out for them to make the first move, or waiting for the perfect offer without taking any active role in shaping your relational future, you may end up watching the window close without even realising it.

Time doesn’t work against men and women equally in this space. And I know that that’s not always fair. But it’s real.

Men often gain more options as they get older. For women, the options can become fewer—especially if the standards remain fixed, while life circumstances change.

So the question becomes: are you willing to grow in how you approach relationships as much as you've grown in other areas of your life?

Because waiting isn’t a strategy. It’s a delay. And sometimes, delay costs more than you think. That goes back to the cost of opportunity of time. So basically, the opportunity cost of time is the value of the next best alternative use of time when a decision is made, essentially what you give up by choosing one activity over another. In simple terms, it's the potential benefit you miss out on by not using your time in the most valuable way possible. But in our age and time where options seem limitless since you can easily swipe them all left and right, we kind of reverse that concept and think that the opportunity cost of time spent refers to the value of what could have been achieved or experienced with that time if it wasn't spent on the relationship. This includes activities, relationships, or opportunities that are gone due to the commitment, time and work on ourselves that is required for a long-lasting relationship.

The Hidden Consequences of Waiting Too Long to Adapt

So where does all this lead?

Well, patterns emerge. And those patterns are pretty much shaped by how self-aware we are—by the beliefs we hold about ourselves, our worth, and what we expect from the people we’re trying to build a life with.

If you are a woman who stays in a passive role—waiting, holding out, or assuming the right person will “just know” how valuable you are—you may, unintentionally, put yourself into one of a few predictable outcomes.

Some women do end up with the partner they truly desire and admire. But often, it’s because they’ve done a lot of inner work. They’ve examined their beliefs. They’ve shifted how they relate—not just to others, but to themselves first and foremost. Their standards stayed high, but so did their self-responsibility.

Others, even when they’ve achieved a lot professionally and socially, find themselves constantly disappointed in dating—because the kind of man they want isn’t offering what they expect. And rather than shifting approach, they hold the line... until the window begins to narrow.

Some adapt out of fear. They compromise—but here’s the catch, they don’t compromise out of clarity or maturity, they compromise out of pressure. The relationship happens, but resentment starts to build underneath. And some women quietly just opt out of dating altogether, either because the hurt is too raw, or because they no longer believe what they want is even possible.

What we discuss here is not to judge. Is to understand that these are psychological trajectories—and they are shaped by how closely we examine our own story, our assumptions, and whether we’re actually participating in the relationships we say we want.

Because this isn’t about whether you get chosen. It’s about whether you’ve made space in your life to truly relate—to offer, to engage and to connect—on equal terms.

Here’s another layer to the story.

When I speak to women—especially high-achieving ones—I often hear the same thing: they want someone who's confident, emotionally intelligent, ambitious, attractive, grounded, secure, kind, and fun. And they’re right to want that. We all deserve someone who brings out our best.

But here's what makes it tricky: those qualities, combined, are rare. And when many women are drawn to that same narrow subset of men, something we call selective scarcity kicks in.

Why Many Women Struggle to Attract the Men They Want

Think of it this way. It’s not just that these men are rare—it’s that they’re also aware of how rare they are. They often have many options. And that changes how they approach dating. Some of those men are definitely open to commitment. Others aren’t. But either way, they're far less likely to feel urgency or pressure to settle.

Again, that’s not a judgment. It’s just what happens when someone knows they have time, leverage, and choice. It’s basically the exact same thing that happens to women during their twenties. They have time, leverage and choice.

So when women keep aiming for this kind of man, but expect him to act as if he doesn’t have options—things break down. The man hesitates. The woman feels frustrated. Both end up misunderstanding the situation entirely.

And the hardest part? For many women, this creates a feedback loop. The more they feel ignored by the kind of man they want, the more they start to believe something is wrong—with men, with dating, or even with themselves.

But often, the problem isn’t about worth. It’s about strategy. It’s about recognising that desire is valid—but desire without adaptation can become a trap.

Now, some women do shift. But not because they’ve found peace or clarity around what really matters to them.

They shift because time is catching up. Because the people around them are settling down. Because the silence has become loud, and the waiting starts to feel less like empowerment and more like limbo.

So they adapt—but under pressure.

They choose someone they wouldn’t have looked at twice a few years earlier. They try to convince themselves it’s the right time, even if it doesn’t feel like the right person. And slowly, they start building a relationship that looks okay on paper, but feels a little flat in real life.

This isn’t a moral failure. It’s a very human reaction to unmet hopes and real timelines.

What Happens When You Compromise Out of Pressure

But here’s what often happens in these situation: the relationship starts with compromise—and stays there. Not the kind of compromise that comes from maturity, but the kind that stems from fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of missing out. Fear that maybe this is as good as it gets.

And those relationships often carry an emotional undercurrent—something unsaid but deeply felt. One person feels they’ve settled. The other senses it, but doesn’t know how to name it. Intimacy becomes effortful. Resentment builds quietly. And no one really wins. Sounds familiar?

This is what we call a pressured bond. It’s not built on connection. It’s built on anxiety and by the way, we are masters in giving anxiety different masks, like freedom of choice for example. But over time, that pressure doesn’t go away—it just changes shape.

Then there are the women who choose neither.

They don’t shift. They don’t compromise. They stay rooted in the belief that the right person will show up, eventually—and when he does, he’ll meet all the criteria.

And for a while, life feels full.

They’re traveling, building careers, deepening friendships. There’s freedom, flexibility, even a sense of pride in not needing anyone. And that feeling is very real. Many of these women are successful, vibrant, self-sufficient. They’ve earned what they have. They’ve built it with intention. There’s of course the exaggerated representation of this phenomenon in social media under the label “boss babe”, and it’s promoted as if it’s the holy grail of a modern woman, but that’s utter BS. And here’s why. Because every time you see labels that cause more divide than unity, be really aware if you want to wear those labels. And of course not all successful women embrace that term, but here’s what I often see and let me know if it resonates in the comments below.

As the years go on, something starts to stir. Not regret—at least not at first. But a quiet questioning.

What if no one ever feels “just right”?

What if I’ve been curating a partner profile that doesn’t actually exist?

What if my independence became so sharp, it turned into isolation?

And then, when they’re ready to receive something deeper—fewer offers come in. The kinds of men they once ignored are now partnered. The ones they still desire may not be seeking commitment anymore. Does it sound familiar?

This isn’t failure. But it is a kind of reckoning.

Because even if being single was a choice, the outcome may not have been.

And that’s something few people prepare women for:

That you can win in many areas of life… and still feel deeply unfulfilled in love, simply because no one ever taught you how to approach it differently.

Settling Without Choosing: The Emotional Cost of Good Enough

For many women, this is where things land.

They eventually build a life with someone. He’s kind. He shows up. He’s stable. On paper, he’s a good partner. And for the most part, the relationship works.

But deep down, something feels… slightly off.

Not broken. Just incomplete.

Like a song that’s technically perfect—but never quite moves you.

You tell yourself this is what maturity looks like. That real love is supposed to be calm, not dramatic. That chemistry fades anyway. That maybe those early standards were unrealistic.

And sometimes, that’s true. But sometimes, it’s a quiet surrender.

A decision made not from clarity—but from fatigue. From the weariness of waiting. From the ache of wanting something more and not finding it.

Over time, a low-grade dissatisfaction creeps in. It doesn’t explode. It just simmers.

Small things become annoyances. You miss the excitement you never really had. You scroll past other couples and wonder if they feel it too.

And if you’re not careful, that subtle discontent begins to reshape how you see your partner. Not because he’s unworthy—but because you never let go of the version of love you thought you’d find.

Reclaiming Your Agency in Love and Connection

Everything I’m telling you now is not about shaming that choice.

But it is about being honest with yourself—about whether the life you’re building is something you actually chose, or something you quietly settled into because the alternative felt scarier.

So what does all this mean? It means your future in love isn’t defined by luck—or by waiting for the right person to stumble into your life.

It’s shaped by how well you understand yourself. By whether you’re willing to evolve—not just your standards, but your approach.

By whether you can tell the difference between protecting your self-worth and hiding behind it.

The truth is, many women won’t find a better moment to deeply connect with someone than now—not because they’re running out of time, but because the sooner they shift, the more agency they have.

Agency to choose consciously. To connect with someone in a way that’s grounded and real. To stop measuring offers and start making moves that align with what they say they want.

Remember this: Love isn’t a prize. It’s not something you wait to be given. It’s something you learn how to offer—and receive—with both discernment and courage.

So if this message landed, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

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And if you're ready to take a deeper look at your own patterns—whether it’s through coaching, reflection, or building a new relational blueprint—go to designthyself.com. You’ll find free tools, my weekly newsletter, and the option to work together.

Thanks for being here—and more importantly, for being open to what I’ve shared with you. Even when it’s not comfortable.

Above all, never stop asking yourself: What is that thing within me, that makes me do the things I do?