How to find myself and why do therapy?

So, I’ve decided to start a new series of videos where I’ll answer the questions you send me. These videos won’t be like the others I make with editing, alternate shots, background music, etc. They’ll be simple, like this one here—just as if we’re sitting across from each other and having a chat. So, send me your questions either as comments below or to my email, and I’ll try to make one of these Q&A videos once a week. My name is Dimitris and I share psychology based insights and tools to help you design a well-lived life.

Our friend Elena has asked, “I’m 38 years old and still haven’t figured myself out. How can therapy help me find my true myself?”

Great question. And that’s because if you see that you haven’t figured yourself out, you haven’t found your true self, and feel discouraged, why would you even try to figure yourself out any further? You might just say, “This is who I am, I can’t change,” and continue repeating the same behavioral patterns you want to escape.

Let me share a little secret. What we often do in therapy or coaching sessions is identify key words in what we say and use them to test whether what we believe or say is actually true.

Dear Elena, like me, before I started studying psychology, you’re using this beautiful concept of “finding myself”. It’s very poetic but can also be a bit misleading. Let’s dive deeper into what this “finding myself” really means, because it’s rooted in our understanding of the concept of mental health in general. See, our perception is that everything stems from our mind, from within us. That’s why we say “I need to find my true self,” because we think there’s something inside us that’s out of balance.

However, mental health isn’t something that resides only within us. Mental health is the harmony of our existence in relation to other people, our past, and our future. That sense of well-being and peace we feel (if we have the right balance that is) is not just a reflection of a properly functioning brain or mind. It’s a phenomenon that arises when everything is in place and working harmoniously.

If you tend to feel a negative emotion intensely, then you’re also inclined to feel all negative emotions more intensely. They vary—they tend to occur together—because all the negative emotions we experience are manifestations of systems that either hold us back, pull us backward, or create an alternate future that causes anxiety. In a way, they either try hold us back from getting hurt or they prepare us to fight.

So, when you go to therapy, the goal is to make your life better, and the therapist you choose is there by your side to help you in that endeavour. Together, you explore what “better” means for you, because, in a way, “better” is something you define in collaboration with your therapist.

Together, you try to solve the problem, but first, you need to define what “better” means, because that’s what you’re aiming for. Initially, the therapist helps you explore the complexity of your identity—your past, your present, and your future—so that your life situation can improve.

And here lies the key to it all: the complexity of your identity. Because your identity is not just who you think you are. Identity is something shaped during our childhood. It involves a continuous negotiation of who you think you are, how others see you, what others think you are, and how you see yourself through their eyes—and eventually you label yourself through this process. And this happens with parents, classmates, friends, relatives, colleagues, strangers—on a daily basis throughout our lives.

So, to conclude, if you manage to reframe the question “How do I find myself?” into “How can I find harmony in my existence in relation to others, my past, and my future?” then you’ve made an excellent start.

If you found this interesting, hit like, subscribe to my channel, and click the bell to get notified whenever I post a new video. Leave your comment or question below, and it might be featured in one of the upcoming Q&A videos in this series.

Also, I’m looking for a nice name for this series, and I’d love your help. One option is “Coffee Reflections” because I like the idea of having a coffee and chatting and I also have a newsletter with that name, if you haven’t subscribed, I’ll leave the link below. The other name is “Where Do We Start?” because, as you saw in the video, we’ll be decoding keywords in the questions to uncover what lies behind them.

And always remember to ask yourself, “What is it that drives me to do the things I do?”. I’m Dimitris, and I’ll see you in the next one!